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I was on vacation in a hotel room with my affair partner while my husband was at home. I was enjoying the moment, reaching my peak, but suddenly I blacked out and woke up in a hospital. I was paralyzed and couldn\u2019t move. My daughter came to me and explained what had happened. Then she started crying and told me what had happened to my husband. When I heard that, I was terrified to the core.<\/strong><\/p>\n Years before my life finally became something I could call peaceful, I found comfort in routines that asked very little of me. I worked on houses. I repaired brick, chimneys, fireplaces, and whatever else people were willing to pay a man with calloused hands to fix. On quiet nights, I relaxed with a beer, watched war movies, and played hockey with men who understood that a person sometimes needed to hit something legal just to stay balanced.<\/p>\n My wife, Joy, and I had what I thought was a steady life.<\/p>\n Not perfect. I had never believed in perfect. But stable enough. Ordinary enough. We had been married 10 years, long enough for habits to harden into structure and for trust to become something I rarely inspected. Joy traveled for work twice a year, or at least that was what I believed. She sold life insurance for Trans United, the kind of company with commercials featuring an old man telling children to prepare for the inevitable. It was annoying, but it paid well, and Joy was good at selling people things they did not know they had agreed to hear about.<\/p>\n The first signs of trouble were small enough to ignore.<\/p>\n Missed calls. Late-night explanations. Business trips that seemed to take more out of her than they should have. Work meetings that stretched longer, training sessions that grew more frequent, conventions that required new dresses and a suitcase packed more carefully than any business trip I had ever taken. I noticed, but noticing is not the same as admitting. I told myself marriage was built partly on giving the other person room to breathe. I told myself suspicion ruined people. I told myself I had seen what distrust did to a man, and I refused to become my father.<\/p>\n Then one winter night, the phone rang.<\/p>\n Joy was supposed to be in Houston for a 2-week company meeting. I was home alone with Piper, my Doberman, and I had arranged the weekend exactly the way I liked it when Joy was gone: beer, snacks, the couch, and a marathon of war movies. I had already worked through The Dirty Dozen, Enemy at the Gates, Saving Private Ryan, and enough of Band of Brothers to feel the particular satisfaction of a man left alone with his preferred forms of destruction.<\/p>\n When my phone rang midway through the evening, I expected my friend Paul. He had a gift for interrupting what I called my me time, usually to ask if I wanted to skate, drink, or help him move something heavy for reasons that never made sense until I was already lifting.<\/p>\n The caller ID said unknown.<\/p>\n I answered with a grumble.<\/p>\n But the voice on the other end was not Paul.<\/p>\n It was a woman.<\/p>\n She identified herself as Detective Phillips from Vail. She told me my wife had been in a serious accident and was at a hospital in Eagle Valley.<\/p>\n For a moment, I thought I had misheard her.<\/p>\n \u201cMy wife is in Houston,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n Detective Phillips asked when I had last spoken to her.<\/p>\n \u201cThe night before,\u201d I told her. \u201cShe\u2019s at a work convention.\u201d<\/p>\n The detective read off Joy\u2019s home address from her ID.<\/p>\n The room went strangely still around me.<\/p>\n I told her someone must have stolen Joy\u2019s purse. It was the easiest answer to grab, the one that let the world remain intact for another few seconds. Maybe someone had taken her wallet, rented a room, gone skiing, gotten hurt. Maybe I could press charges. Maybe this was an inconvenience and not the beginning of the end.<\/p>\n Detective Phillips did not argue with me. She asked me to come to the hospital and verify the belongings.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n I was annoyed. Frustrated. Cold in a way I did not understand yet. But I agreed.<\/p>\n The drive to Vail took about 2 hours, and the whole way my mind worked against itself. I imagined possibilities and rejected them before they finished forming. Someone had stolen her ID. Someone had used her name. Joy had won a surprise vacation and not told me. She had somehow flown from Houston to Colorado without mentioning it. None of it made sense.<\/p>\n Then the devil\u2019s advocate voice in my head asked the question I had been avoiding.<\/p>\n How do you know she is really in Houston?<\/p>\n I had dropped her at the airport, but I had not seen her board the plane. I had watched her walk inside with her suitcase, kissed her goodbye, and driven to work. That was all. I had assumed the rest because that was what married people did when they trusted each other.<\/p>\n What if she was cheating?<\/p>\n The thought arrived sharp enough to clear the fog.<\/p>\n If that was true, I told myself, I would leave. I would not become one of those men who stayed and rotted from the inside. I would not live like my father, suspicious and broken. I would not become my brother Daniel, who caught his wife with another man and destroyed 3 lives, including his own, in a single act of violence. Daniel was in prison now. My father had never recovered from my mother\u2019s affair. I had promised myself years earlier that if betrayal ever found me, I would handle it without letting it turn me into something worse.<\/p>\n As I got closer to the Vail exit, my nerves got bad enough that I nearly pulled over to throw up. Even the inner voice went quiet. There are moments when the mind stops speculating because it understands the truth is about to arrive whether it is ready or not.<\/p>\n Finding the hospital was easy. Walking inside was harder.<\/p>\n At the information desk, I explained why I was there, and they gave me the room number. When I reached the floor, I realized it was the intensive care unit. That changed the temperature of everything.<\/p>\n I told the nurse who I was. She called someone and asked me to wait. A short blonde nurse came to the door, her uniform strained tight across her chest, her voice softened by the kind of practice that only comes from delivering bad news too often.<\/p>\n \u201cYour wife is sedated,\u201d she said. \u201cShe is badly injured and may not look like herself. She will not hear you, but I want you to be prepared.\u201d<\/p>\n If it is even her, I thought.<\/p>\n Out loud, I said, \u201cI\u2019ll be fine.\u201d<\/p>\n My voice cracked on the lie.<\/p>\n She took me in.<\/p>\n The woman in the bed was breathing, her chest rising and falling beneath the hospital blanket. Her height and build matched Joy\u2019s, but her face was so battered I could not recognize it. Swelling, bruising, bandaging, tubes, monitors, the sterile machinery of a body being kept in this world by force. I stared and felt nothing at first, because shock had turned everything clean and blank.<\/p>\n \u201cDid she hit every tree on the mountain?\u201d I asked before I could stop myself.<\/p>\n \u201cOh, no,\u201d the nurse said. \u201cShe didn\u2019t ski.\u201d<\/p>\n I looked at her.<\/p>\n \u201cSomeone beat her and left her in an ambulance this morning.\u201d<\/p>\n Beat her.<\/p>\n Left her.<\/p>\n Faithful wives did not end up beaten and abandoned in Vail when they were supposed to be in Houston.<\/p>\n But I still did not know enough. Not yet.<\/p>\n \u201cI can\u2019t say if this is my wife,\u201d I told the nurse.<\/p>\n \u201cMaybe this will help.\u201d<\/p>\n She lifted the blanket slightly and exposed the woman\u2019s left thigh.<\/p>\n There it was.<\/p>\n Jiminy Cricket.<\/p>\n Joy had gotten the tattoo before our wedding, inked on her inner thigh. She claimed it symbolized her parents, Jim and Ivonne, though I had never completely believed that explanation. Still, I had not seen many women with Jiminy Cricket tattooed in that particular location.<\/p>\n It was her.<\/p>\n The sight hit harder than her face had. The tattoo was not injured, not swollen, not distorted by trauma. It was familiar, intimate, absurdly unchanged. It made the woman in the bed my wife again, even if every other fact around her had become impossible.<\/p>\n Seeing Joy like that sent me backward in time to the day I first met her.<\/p>\n It was after a Tool concert. My friends and I had a case of beer in the van for the afterparty, and a girl approached us asking for a beer for her boyfriend. Chad told her she could stay and have a drink, but we were not giving one to the guy. She left, and a few minutes later I heard screaming.<\/p>\n I ran toward the sound and found her being hit by a man who looked like he carried every inch he lacked in height as a personal grievance. He was yelling about his beer and calling her names while striking her. No one was helping.<\/p>\n I stepped in, grabbed him by the collar, and pulled him away.<\/p>\n He threatened me. I did not take him seriously. When he tried to go for her again, I knocked him out and helped her back to our van, where Chad already had an ice pack ready. Security took the guy away. I wanted to report what happened, but she stopped me.<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019ve done enough,\u201d she said. \u201cNo one\u2019s ever stood up to Garrett. He\u2019ll probably go back to Wyoming now.\u201d<\/p>\n Her name was Joy.<\/p>\n Even with her gothic clothes, bruised skin, and the shaken look of someone trying not to cry in front of strangers, she was beautiful. Later, Chad told me he thought she was into me. I brushed him off. Then I found the note she had left with her number.<\/p>\n Call me. Joy.<\/p>\n 2 days later, I called. She sounded surprised but happy. We talked for an hour, then again that evening until midnight. Our first date was that Friday: a small Italian restaurant, then drinks and dancing at a bar. When I took her home, she asked if I was trying to get her into bed.<\/p>\n \u201cThere\u2019s plenty of time for that later,\u201d I said. \u201cI like to wait a few dates. It\u2019s more interesting that way.\u201d<\/p>\n I kissed her on the cheek and went home.<\/p>\n I did not see her again for 3 weeks. Our schedules refused to cooperate. Then her aunt died, and she flew to Florida for the funeral. When we finally went out again, I picked her up and met her father, Jim. He asked about my work and background, friendly at first, then suddenly said I was a much better match for Joy than that loser.<\/p>\n \u201cToo bad he won\u2019t meet me,\u201d Jim said.<\/p>\n \u201cHe met me,\u201d I told him. \u201cHopefully he stays away.\u201d<\/p>\n Jim agreed, muttering about Garrett.<\/p>\n Then Joy entered in a dress that made me reconsider my 3-date rule.<\/p>\n We still did not sleep together that night because she had to work early. The next weekend, I took her to dinner. On the way home, she had sudden stomach cramps and needed a bathroom. My apartment was nearby, so I rushed her there. After she used the bathroom, I expected nothing. Then she walked out wearing only red underwear and high-heeled boots and told me to take off my coat.<\/p>\n I took off more than that.<\/p>\n We had breakfast the next morning and did not go out again until Sunday dinner. When I dropped her off, she complained about her boss making her work weekends and joked that I was her favorite illicit substance.<\/p>\n All those memories came back in the hospital room beside a bed where my wife lay sedated and unrecognizable, and I hated the fact that memory could still hurt.<\/p>\n When I left the ICU, a nurse handed me Joy\u2019s personal belongings. The police had already gone through everything. I was still processing that when the nurse\u2019s phone rang. She spoke to someone, then handed the receiver to me.<\/p>\n It was Detective Phillips. She asked me to come to the station for questioning.<\/p>\n I agreed, though I could not shake the feeling that the cops suspected me.<\/p>\n Why would I hurt Joy?<\/p>\n Because she was a traitor, said the voice in my head.<\/p>\n I still had no proof. Her being in Vail was suspicious, damning even, but not proof. I tried to imagine some logical explanation. Maybe she had won a trip. Maybe she had flown back secretly. Maybe someone else had dragged her into something. But each possibility collapsed under its own weight.<\/p>\n The station was quiet when I arrived. Detective Phillips, a brunette with careful eyes, met me with a tall man named Deputy Devon. Phillips seemed friendly. Devon looked at me like I was guilty until paperwork proved otherwise.<\/p>\n \u201cShould I get a lawyer?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n \u201cDo you think you need one?\u201d Phillips replied.<\/p>\n \u201cNo. I\u2019ve got nothing to hide.\u201d<\/p>\n She led me to a room and turned on a recorder. Before the formal questions began, I apologized for calling her a prick on the phone, explaining that I thought she was my friend interrupting my movie time. She raised an eyebrow and asked what \u201cme time\u201d meant.<\/p>\n \u201cI watch World War II movies when Joy\u2019s out of town,\u201d I said. \u201cShe hates them.\u201d<\/p>\n Then Devon returned, and the interview began.<\/p>\n Detective Desiree Phillips recorded my name as Roger Ezekiel Rigby, 35 years old, born December 16. I gave my address on West Danube Avenue in Colorado Springs and my occupation as a bricklayer. They asked where I had been between 6:00 p.m. the night before and 8:00 that morning.<\/p>\n I gave them everything. I had been in Manitou Springs from 9:00 to 7:00 repairing a fireplace for Blanche Donovan. From 7:00 to 8:30, I drove back to Jerry\u2019s Bar, where Paul Hannibal saw me until about 11:00. I got home around 11:30 and stayed there until Detective Phillips called. My neighbor Steven Harper could confirm I was home at midnight, 3:00, and 6:00 because both of us had dogs that needed to go out at those times, and Steven was a night owl.<\/p>\n The detectives exchanged glances.<\/p>\n They asked when I last saw Joy. I said Monday morning, when I drove her to the airport for her Houston trip. They asked why she was going to Houston. I said it was her company\u2019s annual meeting, something top performers attended. It was supposedly her third year.<\/p>\n They asked about her luggage. I told them she forgot it, thinking I had grabbed it when I warmed up the car. We had to turn back, which ruined our breakfast plans, and then I dropped her at the airport.<\/p>\n They asked how often she traveled. Twice a year, I said. 2 weeks in February for the general meeting, 2 weeks in August for training in Indianapolis. They asked whether Houston hosted the general meeting every year. I told them no. Last year was Los Angeles, the year before that New York.<\/p>\n They asked if anyone might want to hurt her. I said maybe a client. Her company\u2019s sales tactics were sketchy. People signed up for a free kids\u2019 information kit, and Joy delivered it while trying to sell life insurance. Some people got upset.<\/p>\n Then they asked whether Joy could have been with someone in Vail.<\/p>\n I sighed and gave them a list of her colleagues. Maybe one of them knew why she had not been in Houston.<\/p>\n Eventually, they let me go. Phillips asked if I was heading home. I said no, I would find a motel.<\/p>\n I left the station with more questions than answers.<\/p>\n At the hospital, visiting hours were over. A guard told me I could come back at 7:00 a.m. I asked for hotel recommendations, and he joked that in Vail during ski season, cheap meant staying with relatives.<\/p>\n Back in the car, I remembered Joy\u2019s belongings.<\/p>\n I checked the inventory list carefully. A prescription bottle of Percocet, left over from dental work, was missing. Why had she still been carrying it? Then I noticed her boots. Joy always took them on trips, and I remembered that she used to hide key cards inside them.<\/p>\n Sure enough, I found one.<\/p>\n Blank. No logo. No name.<\/p>\n I had a key.<\/p>\n I did not know to what.<\/p>\n Then I realized Joy\u2019s phone was not listed in the inventory and was not in her purse.<\/p>\n That, strangely enough, was useful.<\/p>\n My neighbor Steven had developed a phone-tracking app after his partner kept losing his phone. Joy had lost hers often enough that I had installed it on her phone too. I opened the app, entered her number, and watched the map load.<\/p>\n I was 4 miles away from her phone.<\/p>\n I started the car and followed the directions up the mountain to a ski resort filled with luxurious lodges. I parked Joy\u2019s BMW among the Lexuses and Audis, then walked toward the building the app indicated. Her phone was in room 114.<\/p>\n The key card did not work.<\/p>\n I climbed to the second floor and tried 214.<\/p>\n Nothing.<\/p>\n On the third floor, 314 opened.<\/p>\n I stood outside the door with the key in my hand, listening. Nothing moved inside.<\/p>\n I should have called the cops.<\/p>\n Instead, I opened the door.<\/p>\n The room was dark, lit only by the hallway behind me. I stepped inside and turned on the light.<\/p>\n The room felt wrong.<\/p>\n Too clean. Not professionally cleaned, but arranged. The bed was made, though the quilt hung unevenly. Joy\u2019s suitcase sat on the bed, neatly packed. Her phone charged on the nightstand. Her laptop rested on a small table by the window. It looked like someone had tried to make the room appear untouched, but had not understood what untouched actually looked like.<\/p>\n In the bathroom, I saw damp spots on the sink. Soap in the shower. Towels neatly stacked, but wet at the bottom. Someone had tried to clean up without proper cleaning products.<\/p>\n Back at the bed, I pulled back the blanket. The sheets were wrinkled as if someone had slept there, but I saw no blood, no torn fabric, no obvious signs of violence.<\/p>\n I sat at the table and picked up Joy\u2019s phone. She never used passwords, so I got in easily. As her laptop booted, I called my sister Beth and asked her to take care of Piper. Then I made the harder call to Jim, Joy\u2019s father, and told him what I knew.<\/p>\n \u201cI hope this is just a misunderstanding,\u201d I said, trying to stay calm.<\/p>\n Jim sighed.<\/p>\n \u201cCall me when you know more.\u201d<\/p>\n Next, I called my cousin Hugh, a detective, and asked him to contact the Vail police. He agreed and said he would keep me updated.<\/p>\n Then I called the lodge and asked for Joy Rigby or Joy McIntyre.<\/p>\n No one by either name was registered.<\/p>\n Joy\u2019s laptop finally booted. Her browser history and emails were wiped clean. Joy never deleted anything. On her phone, the text messages were gone too.<\/p>\n Someone was covering their tracks.<\/p>\n I opened her suitcase and found 1 business suit, 3 cocktail dresses, and a lot of lingerie.<\/p>\n This was not a business trip wardrobe.<\/p>\n By then, I knew divorce was likely. I just did not know yet how deep the rot went.<\/p>\n I spent the night in the chair by the table because I could not bring myself to sleep in the bed.<\/p>\n In the morning, after a quick shower, I left the room with Joy\u2019s phone and laptop, leaving the suitcase untouched. I got coffee and called Detective Phillips to report the key card. She asked me to meet her at the station in half an hour.<\/p>\n When I arrived, she greeted me and led me to her office. I handed her the key card. She looked at me for a moment.<\/p>\n \u201cYou look like a man whose world has collapsed,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n \u201cI think I\u2019m going to lose my wife over this,\u201d I replied. \u201cI\u2019d like to hear her explanation, but I doubt I can believe it.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDon\u2019t lose hope yet,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n Her face suggested I should.<\/p>\n I thanked her and headed to the hospital. Joy\u2019s visiting schedule allowed me 15 minutes every 2 hours. During one visit, I stood beside her bed and stared at her, hoping she would wake up and explain everything in a way that made the world less ugly.<\/p>\n Dr. Benson came in and told me Joy was recovering, but he recommended transferring her to Denver for better rehabilitation. He mentioned the head injury and possible brain damage, but my mind kept circling the same questions. Why Vail? Why the wiped laptop? Why the lingerie? Why the room that looked staged?<\/p>\n I signed transfer papers and asked if the rest could be handled at St. Luke\u2019s closer to home.<\/p>\n \u201cWhere is home?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n \u201cColorado Springs.\u201d<\/p>\n He frowned, made a call, and returned with a changed plan. Joy would be transferred to St. Augustine\u2019s in Colorado Springs instead. It was just as good, he said, and easier for family to visit.<\/p>\n I signed the new papers, visited Joy one last time, and left with tears in my eyes. At least it was normal to cry in a hospital. Anywhere else, people would stare.<\/p>\n On the way out of Vail, I called Jim with an update.<\/p>\n When I got home, my sister Beth\u2019s Jeep was in the driveway, and Piper greeted me like I had survived a war. Beth took one look at me and knew something was wrong. I hugged her, told her I loved her, and everything came spilling out. I broke down mourning the end of a marriage that was not officially over but had already become a body I could not revive.<\/p>\n Beth stayed with me late into the night and tried to get me to eat. I was not hungry. I still had to tell Jim and Ivonne everything properly, and Beth came with me for that.<\/p>\n As I explained what I had found, I saw a shift in Jim\u2019s face. He was no longer certain Joy had not wronged me. I had seen that expression on him once before, years earlier, before Joy and I were married.<\/p>\n Back then, Joy and I had been dating for several months when she canceled our weekend plans. I was annoyed, but accepted it. Then I heard Jim yelling in the background, telling her that son of a bitch had better meet him. Worried, I drove over.<\/p>\n Jim met me at the door furious.<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019re no better than that other prick,\u201d he shouted. \u201cIf you\u2019re going to hurt my daughter, come at me.\u201d<\/p>\n I was stunned.<\/p>\n \u201cHurt your daughter? What are you talking about?\u201d<\/p>\n Joy and Ivonne came outside, and I saw Joy had a black eye.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat happened?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n Jim shouted that I had struck her.<\/p>\n Joy quickly intervened.<\/p>\n \u201cHe didn\u2019t touch me, Daddy. I had dinner with Garrett, and we argued. I walked away too angry and hurt to stay.\u201d<\/p>\n Jim tried to apologize, but I told Joy we were done. I drove aimlessly until I found myself near Garrett\u2019s place. When he opened the door with a smug grin, I punched him in the face. I kept punching until he stopped reacting, then kicked him a few more times for good measure. When I noticed moving boxes, I asked if he was moving. He groaned, and I kicked him once more.<\/p>\n \u201cHappy trip,\u201d I said before leaving.<\/p>\n At home, I iced my knuckles. Joy called, pleading, but I hung up. She kept calling for an hour before the phone finally stopped. Then my cousin Hugh called. He was the only one who called me Zeke, a family nickname from my middle name.<\/p>\n \u201cJust a heads-up,\u201d Hugh said. \u201cCSPD got a call about Garrett Jimenez being in bad shape. He told the cops some big guy kicked his butt. You wouldn\u2019t know anything about that, would you?\u201d<\/p>\n I laughed and said I had no idea.<\/p>\n \u201cBe careful, Zeke,\u201d he warned. \u201cIf someone connects you to this, it could get messy.\u201d<\/p>\n The police showed up not long after, but I had my hockey gear laid out and scratches on my knuckles that looked like they came from a rough game. Since I played for a police-sponsored team, the officer seemed satisfied.<\/p>\n That Saturday, I skated hard. When I got home, notes were pinned to my door, mostly from Joy, but one from Jim apologizing for assuming the worst and asking me not to hold it against her. I called Jim and told him he had reacted the way any father would. It was not his fault Joy had not told him the truth.<\/p>\n He asked if I wanted to talk to Joy. I could hear her pleading in the background.<\/p>\n \u201cNo,\u201d I told him. \u201cShe knew what Garrett was like, and she let you think I hit her. She ruined our plans so I wouldn\u2019t see her face. I don\u2019t have time for cheating women.\u201d<\/p>\n Now, years later, in Jim and Ivonne\u2019s house, the memory was back between us.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m glad they brought her here, son,\u201d Jim said after I finished explaining the present mess. \u201cBut I hope you\u2019re not planning anything drastic.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo, sir. I\u2019m not hiring lawyers yet. Joy has a lot of explaining to do.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhatever happens,\u201d Ivonne said, \u201cwe still think of you as family. I hope you won\u2019t cut us out of your life.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI won\u2019t,\u201d I promised.<\/p>\n On the way home, Beth asked if I would be okay.<\/p>\n \u201cDo I have a choice?\u201d I said. \u201cI\u2019m not curling up and dying.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIf she cheated, is there any chance you\u2019d stay together?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n I said it firmly.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m not going to become one of those paranoid husbands who tracks his wife\u2019s every move.\u201d<\/p>\n Beth sighed and mentioned that Mom had asked about me. She thought I should talk to her. I shook my head. My mother had once defended the idea that cheating was normal, and after what she had done to my father, I had no patience for that kind of wisdom. Beth was protective of Mom, especially after our brother Daniel went to prison, but I was not ready to let anyone soften betrayal into ordinary human weakness.<\/p>\n \u201cI just don\u2019t want you to make a decision you\u2019ll regret,\u201d Beth said.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll make sure I have the answers first.\u201d<\/p>\n After Beth dropped me off, I went to Steven and Joe\u2019s place and gave Steven Joy\u2019s laptop. He immediately started digging through it. After I caught him up, he asked to keep it for a day or 2.<\/p>\n Joe tried to lighten the mood by joking that he could set me up with his cousin. I laughed and gave an answer crude enough to make him call me a prude. It was stupid, and it worked. For 5 seconds, I almost felt normal.<\/p>\n Steven remained glued to the laptop. I eventually went home, let Piper out, played a quick game of tag in the cold, and crawled into bed with her beside me. Joy had always hated when Piper slept on the bed.<\/p>\n I did not care anymore.<\/p>\n The next morning, I drank coffee and distracted myself with the sports section until 8:00 a.m. By 9:00, I was in Bernie Jags\u2019s office. Bernie was Joy\u2019s boss, though he always called me Brian.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat can I do for you, Brian?\u201d he asked cheerfully.<\/p>\n I ignored the wrong name.<\/p>\n \u201cCan you tell me why my wife would leave the Houston convention and go to Vail?\u201d<\/p>\n Bernie looked puzzled.<\/p>\n \u201cVail? I didn\u2019t send her to Houston. That meeting was for newer agents, not managing agents like Joy.\u201d<\/p>\n Something hot and ugly rose in me.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat about training meetings in Indianapolis?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOnly a few days long. We leave Sunday and return Thursday.\u201d<\/p>\n The structure of my life rearranged itself again.<\/p>\n \u201cHas she been taking 2 weeks off and staying somewhere else?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n Bernie looked uncomfortable.<\/p>\n \u201cRoger, sometimes people make choices that are hard to understand. I\u2019m sorry if this news hurts.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWho was she with?\u201d<\/p>\n He hesitated.<\/p>\n \u201cPromise me no one gets hurt.\u201d<\/p>\n I stared at him.<\/p>\n \u201cMy wife is in a coma. I won\u2019t hurt anyone.\u201d<\/p>\n He sighed and gave me the name.<\/p>\n My heart sank.<\/p>\n That little weasel.<\/p>\n An hour later, Hugh called.<\/p>\n \u201cWe found out who rented the room Joy was staying in,\u201d he said. \u201cWe\u2019ll invite him in for questioning. If he refuses, we\u2019ll arrest him.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cCan I be there when you question him?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cJeb\u2019s already agreed. I\u2019ll call when it\u2019s set.\u201d<\/p>\n I spent the next hours at the hospital meeting with Joy\u2019s brain injury team. Part of me wanted to abandon her completely. But I did not have all the answers yet. Jim and Ivonne arrived before Joy\u2019s transfer from Vail, and I told them what I had learned. Jim was shocked. Ivonne begged me not to make any final decisions. I promised I would not hurt Joy, but I was not sure waiting would change anything.<\/p>\n When Jim asked if I could get through it, I answered honestly.<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t know. I can\u2019t trust her anymore. I saw what mistrust did to my dad, and I don\u2019t want to become him.\u201d<\/p>\n Ivonne tried to hold on to hope.<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019ve taken her back before.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes,\u201d I said. \u201cBut we weren\u2019t married then, and she wasn\u2019t lying like this.\u201d<\/p>\n Later, while waiting at the hospital, Hugh texted that Cal Davis would be interviewed at 4:00 a.m. I told Jim and Ivonne I had an appointment and left. At home, I dressed in a suit and tie because Sheriff Jeb Hannibal would expect professionalism if he was letting me sit in.<\/p>\n At the sheriff\u2019s office, Hugh met me and told me Vail police would join by video. I would sit out of view. I was not to speak.<\/p>\n \u201cI know,\u201d I said. \u201cI won\u2019t attack him either.\u201d<\/p>\n Inside, I spotted Katherine Shepard, a woman I remembered from high school as being entirely out of my league. She was still stunning. Deputies escorted her into the building, and Hugh muttered for me to stop drooling.<\/p>\n In Jeb\u2019s office, the sheriff grinned like a man about to fulfill a private dream. He pulled out a badge and deputized me so I could remain in the room as law enforcement. Then he hugged me and told me my dad had been a great cop and that I would be too if I ever finished my degree.<\/p>\n I had heard that before.<\/p>\n We entered the interview room. Hugh pointed me to a chair out of camera view, then sat at the table and set up the video conference. Soon Detective Phillips and Detective Albert from Vail appeared on screen.<\/p>\n A deputy brought in Cal Davis.<\/p>\n He was slick-looking, with a salesman\u2019s smile, the sort of man who kept smiling even in a room full of cops. Joy\u2019s mentor. Her lover, though I did not yet know how many years that word covered.<\/p>\n Hugh explained the interview was being recorded. Cal waived his right to a lawyer and agreed to talk.<\/p>\n As they began with routine questions about his whereabouts, I realized quickly that he was not the person who had hurt Joy. He had slept with her, yes, but he did not seem like the kind of man who would risk everything with violence. He was too polished, too self-protective, too invested in being admired.<\/p>\n Then Phillips asked where he had been from Friday through Sunday.<\/p>\n Cal said he had been in Houston for a work meeting and spent the weekend with his wife. When Hugh said they would call his boss to confirm, Cal\u2019s confidence cracked. His tan face paled.<\/p>\n \u201cCan I tell you something off the record without my wife knowing?\u201d<\/p>\n It did not take long.<\/p>\n Cal confessed to a 6-year affair with Joy. He was visibly shaken when he learned she was in the hospital. He claimed he and Joy had driven to Denver on Friday, where she told him she had won a trip to Vail. He dropped her at the airport, and while he was with her, she called me. Then he went home, and his wife could confirm it.<\/p>\n After more questions, Hugh told Cal he was free to go but not to leave town.<\/p>\n Before leaving, Cal asked to speak privately with me.<\/p>\n I agreed.<\/p>\n Once we were alone, he looked defeated, nothing like the confident man who had walked in earlier.<\/p>\n \u201cRoger, you know who I am, right?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cObviously. You seem to know me too.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cJoy keeps your photo on her desk and in her presentation kit. She loves you, you know.\u201d<\/p>\n I scoffed.<\/p>\n \u201cNo, she doesn\u2019t. If she did, we wouldn\u2019t be here.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBut I love her too,\u201d Cal said. \u201cAnd my wife knows about my feelings for Joy. It started when I interviewed her for my team. We had chemistry. One day after a no-show presentation, we had lunch near a military base and ended up at a hotel. We both felt guilty, but we couldn\u2019t deny it.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNot guilty enough to stop, apparently.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIt wasn\u2019t cheap or tasteless, Roger. Joy and I had something real.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSorry. Didn\u2019t mean to insult your little love story.\u201d<\/p>\n Cal looked genuinely pained.<\/p>\n \u201cI understand your anger. But I don\u2019t regret loving Joy.\u201d<\/p>\n I wanted to punch him. I did not.<\/p>\n Joy was no longer my problem. I had to keep telling myself that.<\/p>\n \u201cSo you don\u2019t mind your wife running off with someone else twice a year?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo,\u201d Cal said. \u201cIt\u2019s been hard enough sharing her with you. You can have her now.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019re telling me to share her? Are you stupid? I didn\u2019t even know I was sharing her. If I had, we wouldn\u2019t have been together.\u201d<\/p>\n Then Cal said something that showed me even his version of betrayal was built on lies.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat about all those trips? Mexico City. San Diego. Rio. I went to Miami, Vail, and more. We had a system. One week with each other, then a week with our spouses.\u201d<\/p>\n Joy was gone 2 weeks at a time. Cal only knew about some of it.<\/p>\n He began crying.<\/p>\n \u201cDid she cheat on me too?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cGoodbye, Cal. She\u2019s at St. Augustine\u2019s, room 2410. Tell her dad I\u2019ll be in touch.\u201d<\/p>\n As I turned to leave, he asked if I was going to tell his wife.<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t even know your wife,\u201d I said. \u201cWhy would I hurt her? The guilt will eat you alive. Have fun with that.\u201d<\/p>\n Hugh was waiting in the hallway.<\/p>\n \u201cSorry, Zeke. I thought we had the guy.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI knew he wasn\u2019t the one who hurt her. But how did this go on under my nose?\u201d<\/p>\n Before Hugh could answer, a commotion erupted.<\/p>\n Cal\u2019s wife, Katrina Shepard, was slapping him.<\/p>\n \u201cYou cheating prick. Don\u2019t come home.\u201d<\/p>\n As she passed me, she hugged me tightly, sobbing.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m so sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s not your fault,\u201d I said. \u201cWe just married cheaters.\u201d<\/p>\n She laughed through tears. I wiped one away, and she kissed me on the cheek before leaving.<\/p>\n I looked at Hugh.<\/p>\n \u201cHe had that at home, but he needed Joy.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSome guys just want what they can\u2019t have,\u201d Hugh said.<\/p>\n The next days were stressful. I found a lawyer to protect me in the divorce. Thankfully, Joy and I had no children. Piper was mine. The house had belonged to her grandmother, so I did not need to fight for it. My brother and I had inherited my dad\u2019s house, and I was grateful I had held on to it after Daniel\u2019s arrest. Joy had been angry when I fought to keep it, but now it meant I did not have to move into a cheap apartment while my marriage burned.<\/p>\n Late Tuesday, I went to the hospital. Jim was there. When he saw me, he shook his head.<\/p>\n \u201cHow long?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAt least 6 years,\u201d I said. \u201cSince she started selling insurance. Maybe more.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI can\u2019t believe my daughter did this.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cMe neither. I wouldn\u2019t have married her if I had known.\u201d<\/p>\n I told him everything Cal had confessed. Jim sighed and said he had always wondered why Joy stopped taking photos on her trips. She had once taken pictures everywhere, even in Denver.<\/p>\n \u201cWhy didn\u2019t I notice?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n \u201cI didn\u2019t either.\u201d<\/p>\n I told him I would not visit Joy anymore. I could not talk to her again. Jim understood and asked if I would stay at the house until she recovered. I agreed and told him I would not file for divorce until she was better.<\/p>\n I realized I would miss Jim and Ivonne. They had treated me like family, and it was not their fault their daughter had betrayed all of us.<\/p>\n On Wednesday, I repaired a chimney and played hockey that evening. I played rough. Too rough. I spent much of the first period in the penalty box, and after another penalty in the second, the coach pulled me before I got thrown out of the league. My teammates knew enough to understand I was carrying something heavy, though not enough to know the details. A few offered to go after Cal for me. I might not have refused clearly enough.<\/p>\n When I got home, Steven called across the way and said he would come over soon. I figured he had found something on Joy\u2019s laptop.<\/p>\n I had been going through bills and statements. Nothing obvious stood out, though I noticed Joy had called her friend Fiona more often before trips. Usually once a month, then more frequently as the travel dates approached. I suspected Fiona knew more than I did, but I could not reach her.<\/p>\n Steven arrived excited.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat did you find?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n \u201cGrab a beer.\u201d<\/p>\n We sat at the bar while he opened Joy\u2019s laptop.<\/p>\n \u201cWhoever erased the data knew what they were doing,\u201d Steven said. \u201cThere are programs here that let her use the internet without leaving a trace. Luckily, I had help from a friend in the Department of Defense.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIs Joy some kind of computer genius?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo. She uses the same password for everything. Someone else set this up. I\u2019m thinking Fiona.\u201d<\/p>\n Steven had found hidden email and bank accounts. When I told him about the trips Cal had mentioned, his eyes widened. He showed me love notes and deleted emails, some to Cal, others to someone named Garrett.<\/p>\n \u201cSon of a bitch,\u201d I muttered.<\/p>\n Then he showed me how to access the hidden bank account.<\/p>\n It had more than $10,000.<\/p>\n I arranged for the funds to be transferred into our joint account and closed the secret account. I changed the contact information so I would be notified of any activity. Later, I called Detective Phillips, even though it was late, and told her about the bank account and a missing debit card. I also gave her a description of Garrett and told her where the card had recently been used.<\/p>\n \u201cThanks for the info,\u201d she said. \u201cYou know, you should consider being a cop.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI hear that a lot.\u201d<\/p>\n When I hung up, I envied and pitied her husband. Being married to a cop was not easy. I had seen that with my parents.<\/p>\n The next morning, Jim called to say the doctors expected Joy to wake up soon.<\/p>\n \u201cHave you thought about forgiving her?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n \u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n I explained that I kept uncovering more lies. He was devastated when I told him about the affair, though I did not mention the secret bank account.<\/p>\n Later, Steven arrived with more news.<\/p>\n \u201cYou won\u2019t believe this.\u201d<\/p>\n Joy had not lied entirely about going to Garrett\u2019s funeral years earlier. She had gone to Laramie, but for Fiona\u2019s funeral. Fiona was Garrett\u2019s sister. That was likely when Joy and Garrett rekindled things. It got worse. The year Joy called me to meet her in Miami, Garrett had been in jail for petty theft. His parole prohibited him from leaving Colorado, which explained why some of their later trips became more local.<\/p>\n I called my lawyer with my plan, and he assured me it could be handled legally.<\/p>\n Now I just had to wait for Joy to wake up.<\/p>\n 2 weeks after Joy came out of the coma, the police questioned her.<\/p>\n I followed Detective Phillips and Detective Albert down the hallway. Garrett had been arrested after trying to intimidate a bank employee into giving him money from a card issued to Joy Rigby. The bank had flagged the card as stolen, and security detained him until Denver police arrived. His parole officer was also interested in why he had left Denver without permission, so he was taken into custody.<\/p>\n When Phillips and Albert entered Joy\u2019s hospital room, I stayed in the hallway. Hugh managed to get them to let me listen. Phillips even asked if I had any questions. I had a million, but I chose to let the detectives handle it.<\/p>\n Inside, Jim asked if they wanted the door closed. Phillips explained that Joy was not under arrest, so they could not lock the door, but they had posted someone outside to prevent eavesdropping.<\/p>\n Joy was hesitant at first.<\/p>\n She denied everything.<\/p>\n Then they confronted her with evidence. A hotel receptionist had seen her with both Cal and Garrett. Eventually, she admitted she had been involved with both men, though she was embarrassed to admit Garrett had beaten her.<\/p>\n Then Phillips played a card I did not expect.<\/p>\n \u201cYour husband believes you had 2 lovers without his knowledge,\u201d she said. \u201cWhat you tell us might help him reconcile with you.\u201d<\/p>\n No chance of that, I thought.<\/p>\n Joy confessed that she had lied to me to attend Garrett\u2019s sister\u2019s funeral and that she and Garrett rekindled their relationship that weekend. She claimed she still loved me, but Garrett suggested they secretly meet once a month. She told herself it would not hurt me if I never knew.<\/p>\n Then she explained Cal.<\/p>\n She said she was attracted to the fact that both of them were married. They met at company events and arranged secret rendezvous. She admitted giving me Miami as a partial truth to ease her guilt while continuing to lie.<\/p>\n Any faint uncertainty I had about serving her divorce papers vanished.<\/p>\n When Phillips asked about the beating, Joy said Garrett had become angry because she had stopped taking birth control to try for children with me. Garrett wanted a chance to father her child, and when she refused, he lost his temper and attacked her. Her tears were convincing enough to belong on a stage.<\/p>\n Then Phillips asked one final question.<\/p>\n \u201cWhy do you have Jiminy Cricket tattooed on your thigh?\u201d<\/p>\n Joy replied that it had been Garrett\u2019s idea. He said it would be a way for him to always be with her without me knowing.<\/p>\n That was when I walked into the room.<\/p>\n Joy saw me and said, \u201cBaby,\u201d with a face full of panic and apology.<\/p>\n I handed her the divorce papers.<\/p>\n \u201cNo need,\u201d I said. \u201cYou\u2019ve already been served.\u201d<\/p>\n Then I left while she screamed.<\/p>\n The divorce should have been simple.<\/p>\n It was not.<\/p>\n During the proceedings, my lawyer noticed that Joy had not disclosed her secret bank account. I had wondered how she funded it. A chance meeting with Cal Davis explained everything. Joy\u2019s unreported income came from bonuses and commissions she funneled into the hidden account with help from an accountant and inside information.<\/p>\n Over 6 years, Joy had earned more than $120,000 in undeclared income.<\/p>\n I had transferred $30,000 into our joint account, then suggested we split everything 50-50. Joy demanded 75%, claiming she was being generous by not asking for half of the house I had inherited. My lawyer fought back. Eventually, we agreed to split the joint account equally, and she took half my business.<\/p>\n That sounded worse than it was.<\/p>\n I sold my share of the masonry business back to my uncle. He wrote me a receipt for $1 because my lawyer wanted every step documented cleanly. I went back to school, completed my criminal justice degree, and moved toward a life I had avoided for years even though everyone who knew me seemed to expect it.<\/p>\n Joy had a smug look when she got her settlement check. I imagine it disappeared when she discovered her secret account had been drained. My accountant worked his magic, and we showed that all money in the joint account had legitimate sources. I paid the taxes. Joy never realized she had funded my education.<\/p>\n Then an anonymous tip went to the IRS.<\/p>\n I was cleared.<\/p>\n Joy was not.<\/p>\n She served 6 months for tax evasion.<\/p>\n In a twist I still sometimes think about, Garrett was blamed for stealing her money because he had her bank card. With his history and a weak defense, he was convicted and sentenced to 35 years for theft and violating parole.<\/p>\n Katrina divorced Cal, and Cal moved to Utah to start fresh. After Joy got out of prison, she worked at a telemarketing firm. She sent me an angry letter blaming me for ruining her marriage and deceiving her and Garrett. I tossed it in the trash and moved on.<\/p>\n When I told Paul about the letter, he joked that I should have sold her to a brothel.<\/p>\n \u201cShe\u2019d probably enjoy it,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n I spent 3 years as a patrol officer before becoming a detective. The Colorado Springs Police Department handled most major crimes, but the El Paso County Sheriff\u2019s Department saw plenty of domestic violence cases. The only time I pulled my weapon was when a woman threatened me with a knife after I arrested her abusive husband. That was a year and a half before I became a detective.<\/p>\n I still do not understand why some people stay with abusive partners, though I have seen enough suffering to know judgment is easier from a distance. One case involved a woman beaten nearly to death, surrounded by empty beer bottles. By the end of the day, I knew I would probably have the husband\u2019s name and a search underway. It looked like a clear case: either the husband had tried to kill her in a jealous rage, or an ex-lover was involved.<\/p>\n As I reviewed old patrol reports that night, I thought at least I would not get much grief from my boss for following the obvious path.<\/p>\n A year and a half into my detective career, a new detective transferred into our department. All I knew at first was that the transfer came from up north.<\/p>\n Then, one night at a party near the station, I saw Detective Desiree Phillips.<\/p>\n We talked for a while. Some of the other detectives did not seem thrilled that a patrol officer was chatting with her, but we hit it off. We became friends. Even after I learned she was single, I did not pursue anything. I was too jaded by relationships and did not want to complicate the one friendship that felt easy.<\/p>\n We went to dinners and movies, but I refused to call it dating.<\/p>\n One night after a hard case, I took her to a bar. I stayed mostly sober so I could make sure she got home safely. When I helped her into her apartment, she asked me to take off her boots. Then she hugged me.<\/p>\n She\u2019s drunk, Zeke, I thought. She\u2019s your best friend, and you can\u2019t take advantage of her.<\/p>\n I pulled away.<\/p>\n Suddenly, she did not seem drunk at all.<\/p>\n \u201cWhy don\u2019t you want me?\u201d she asked. \u201cWhat\u2019s wrong with me?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cFirst, you\u2019re drunk, and I don\u2019t want to ruin our friendship with a regretful memory. Second, I\u2019m not ready. After everything, I have trust issues.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDid you enjoy kissing me?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOf course. You\u2019re one of the sexiest women I know, but\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cCome with me,\u201d she said. \u201cI\u2019m not drunk, and I\u2019m not easy. I\u2019ve only been with 4 guys, and you know the stories.\u201d<\/p>\n She later admitted she had liked me from the moment we met in Vail. She never expected me to end up in law enforcement. When she transferred, she took it as a sign.<\/p>\n That night became the beginning of us.<\/p>\n A year later, we were married.<\/p>\n A month after that, we welcomed our first child. My boss was not thrilled about her maternity leave and teased me constantly about getting her pregnant. I joked with Hugh that our son, Norah, could be his godchild. Hugh did not find that amusing. He also disliked that I took a month off for paternity leave.<\/p>\n I did not care.<\/p>\n Desiree loved World War II movies, which felt like proof that the universe occasionally corrected itself.<\/p>\n Life became good.<\/p>\n Not simple, never untouched, never free of the past. But good.<\/p>\n One night, years after Joy\u2019s accident, the phone rang in the middle of the night. That had become part of the job. I took the call, got the details, and kissed my pregnant wife on the forehead. Then I kissed her swollen belly.<\/p>\n Desiree murmured sleepily, \u201cBe careful not to start something you can\u2019t finish.\u201d<\/p>\n I smiled, kissed her again, and headed to the crime scene.<\/p>\n As I drove toward a trailer under a dark Colorado sky, I thought about how strange it was that the worst night of my marriage had opened the road to the rest of my life. If Joy had never lied about Houston, if Detective Phillips had never called, if I had never walked into that hospital and seen the Jiminy Cricket tattoo on a bruised thigh, maybe I would have stayed blind for years.<\/p>\n Instead, everything broke.<\/p>\n And after it broke, I learned how to build something better.<\/p>\n I lost a wife who had never really been mine.<\/p>\n I gained the truth.<\/p>\n I gained a badge.<\/p>\n I gained Desiree.<\/p>\n I gained a family I could trust.<\/p>\n Piper was still adjusting to having both Mom and Dad around full-time, but something told me she would be just fine.<\/p>\n So would I.<\/p>\n THE END<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I was on vacation in a hotel room with my affair partner while my husband was at home. I was enjoying the moment, reaching my peak, but suddenly I blacked … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":1745,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1,5],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1887","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-story","category-story-daily"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/nextstoryus.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1887","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/nextstoryus.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/nextstoryus.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nextstoryus.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nextstoryus.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1887"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/nextstoryus.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1887\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1888,"href":"https:\/\/nextstoryus.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1887\/revisions\/1888"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nextstoryus.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/1745"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/nextstoryus.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1887"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nextstoryus.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1887"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nextstoryus.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1887"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\nPart 2<\/h2>\n
<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\nPart 3<\/h2>\n